1. Do not ask Professor Snape about his trumpeting butt.

2. Do not refer to Professor Snape as ‘Sour Grape Snape.’

3. Stay out of the Shrieking Shack. Lupin’s a werewolf in there. He’ll kill you!

4. Do not challenge Hermione to draw the monster that lives in the Shrieking Shack.

5. Remember, the counter-curse to the Jelly Legs Jinx is simply “Unjellify.”

6. Do not scream. It only makes notorious mass-murderers want to kill you faster.

7. Always wait for Dean’s approval while in a Quidditch team huddle.

8. Cho Chang is exempt from all chores, y’all.

9. Dancing is for girls and nerds.

10. Do not switch the ladle in the punchbowl with a portkey.

11. If you lose something, get a Hufflepuff. If you already are a Hufflepuff, don’t worry. You’ll find whatever you were looking for.

12. Everyone who wants to go to Hogsmede must have their permission slip signed, regardless of any scars they may have.

13. No boys, alcohol, or parties are allowed in the girls’ dormitories.

14. Never EVER interrupt when Harry Potter is jamming out.

15. Even if you are a douchebag or a loser in the muggle world, at Hogwarts, you are totally awesome.

16. If Cho is crying, beat up Neville.

17. Make sure you are not wearing an initialed sweater BEFORE pretending to be someone else.

18. Zefron > Taylor Lautner

19. Don’t forget to tape Wizards of Waverly Place.

20. Put your dirty clothes in a hamper. Don’t just drape them over a chair.

21. Do NOT disturb Goyle’s slumber.

22. You are NOT permitted to touch Draco.

23. Do not drink the punch. There is SQUIRT in it. You might as well stay dehydrated.

24. Do not suggest we use a giant slide or trampoline. We already tried that.

25. Okay is wonderful.

26. Stay away from the Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, unless you enjoy the taste of defeat.

27. You have the option of transferring to Pigfarts.

28. Learn how to use the potty.

29. Every wizard should have a sword.

30. Never EVER tell a girl you like her. It makes you look like an idiot.

31. Do not call a professor a terrorist just because he or she is wearing a turban.

32. If you are faced with an uncomfortable situation, scream, and then do what would be the least awkward thing for the both of you: disapparate.

33. Harry Potter is way more attractive than Gandalf, Merlin, or Oz. That is why we prefer him.

34. Do not make Snape be the only one drinking here.

35. Spiderman must be your all time favorite superhero.

36. You can always get back to Hogwarts.